A birthday, a wedding, and many reasons to not celebrate

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A birthday, a wedding, and many reasons to <i>not</i> celebrate
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The week of March 9, 2009
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I love a good soap villain. They are necessary for the whole good vs. evil thing and, if well written, the villain can be downright entertaining to watch. David is just such a villain. He's all kinds of dastardly but incredibly gifted in the art of spin. He's also a brilliant doctor in a Dr. Frankenstein kind of way.

Hi, Liz Masters here, filling in for my good friend Dan J. Kroll who is off this weekend committing random acts of Dan while celebrating his birthday. Happy birthday big guy, I hope you have a blast!

I love a good soap villain. They are necessary for the whole good vs. evil thing and, if well written, the villain can be downright entertaining to watch. David is just such a villain. He's all kinds of dastardly but incredibly gifted in the art of spin. He's also a brilliant doctor in a Dr. Frankenstein kind of way. Like any self-respecting villain, David is also the ultimate survivor; he usually outwits, outplays and outlasts his foes. If he didn't, he'd be long dead by now.

This week Amanda decided that she couldn't carry out David's plan to get JR drunk in an effort to endanger Little A. Amanda thought better of it in part because she's falling for JR. JR, despite his squillion faults, is a devoted father and she sees that. He's also been pretty decent to Amanda lately. I imagine any woman in her position would see JR as the better alternative to the devil. Not that her choices are limited to just JR. Suddenly there are a plethora of men jumping to help Amanda. We have Jake and possibly Frankie, who admitted this week that he hadn't had sex with Randi for six months, thrown into the mix. What's a girl to do?

David played it masterfully; he carried out his threat to spill the bins to JR. Amanda had little choice but to fess up. I was stunned. Usually these things drag out forever so that by the time the reveal is out, I no longer care. Not this time though and that was refreshing. David didn't let the grass grow beneath his feet. He was on a roll and intended to take full advantage of it. After he struck a blow against JR AND Amanda, David skedaddled home armed with wedding bands. I would have been creeped out if a man with ice cold hands insisted on getting married the next day, but then again I have full faculty of my senses.

Krystal, alas, does not. She has completely lost her mind and of course jumped at the chance to marry David! Then, after her Rosemary's Baby dream David told her he wanted to start a family with her. At this point most women would have run screaming from the room but not our loony little Krystal. Nope, she's eager for that little premonition, err nightmare, to play out. I am not a fan of Krystal's but I do feel awful for her right now. There's something particularly twisted and cruel about a father exploiting a mother's pain over losing their child. Selfishly, I want Krystal to get away from David so that I can get back to not liking her.

And of course the universe continued to spin in David's favor

Little A got drunk when he walked into the living room and found a glass, filled to the rim with scotch, sitting on the that bad luck footstool/coffee table. You'd think they would have removed that bloody, glass-infested piece of furntiture after Reese's spill but they didn't. I guess Winifred must have a Dyson. It's a wonder Little A didn't find any Reese's pieces while he was knocking back that scotch.

Is anyone else amazed by Little A's capacity to handle his booze? Admittedly, I've consumed more than my fair share of spirits a time or two but I've never recovered from the effects of a good drunk as quickly and completely as Little A did. What are they feeding that child?

That fact that Little A chugged down an entire glass of scotch is mind-boggling. It's practically impossible to get kids to take a drop of bubblegum flavored medicine let alone a glass full of turpentine flavored booze! I know because I have two kids. They smell everything first. I've smelled scotch before; it doesn't exactly scream "Yummy!"

Naturally after Little A drank his glass of nasty he doubled over and collapsed. However, he didn't pass out. Oh no, he was alert enough to point Krystal to the empty glass and tell her, "I wanted to be like Daddy." No drunken ramblings about Sponge Bob Square Pants, no random giggles or emotional breakdowns, not even a drunken, "I wuv you gaa'maa." He just chilled till he spilled, as in up-chucked the scotch, and then let the paramedics check him. Just an FYI: my brother is a paramedic. In real life that whole scenario would have played out very differently and have involved the cops.

Lucky for JR, he lives in Pine Valley and Little A was okily dokily. No headache, no cottonmouth, no ravenous hunger for greasy comfort food and no sign of fatigue. He sat on the sofa and continued to chirp, "I want to be just like daddy." Yup, he's a chip off the old block.

Not surprisingly, Krystal raced home to tell David that he was right; Little A was in danger with the Chandlers. How David kept from rubbing his hands together and cackling "My plan is working perfectly" I'll never know.

Now let's discuss the other victim of that hideous Chandler footstool table: Reese.

I don't care how much Reese denies it or spins it; I am convinced that she's in Pine Valley because she's drawn to Zach. That malarkey that she's there to build on the life she started and to fight for Bianca doesn't hold water with me for two reasons. First, how much of a life have you built if you don't even have a place of your own to hang your hat? Second, Bianca is in Paris, not Pine Valley. It doesn't make sense to stay an ocean away from the one you profess to love above all others.

Reese told Ryan that she loves Bianca. He responded, "If that were true then you wouldn't be here fighting with her friends and family. You would be back in Europe, fighting for Bianca." Reese replied, "You're wrong. The battleground is here." Um, no Reese the battleground is in Paris. It's Bianca forgiveness and heart that you need to win over. Without Bianca there is no relationship. Bianca's loved ones will follow HER lead, not the other way around.

That said, I objected to the way Zach handled things. I would have dug my heels in too if someone marched in and order me to, "Pack your bags. You've caused enough damage, let's go." I would have told Zach to kiss my derrière then called the police to report an intruder. Who appointed him travel director of Pine Valley? I understand Kendall's desire to see Reese long gone, but it's not up to her or Zach whether Reese leaves town. It's up to Reese. Maybe if the two of them ignored Reese's very existence and focused on their marriage, Reese would get bored and move on.

Of course this being a soap opera, when Reese pulled away from Zach's grasp, she practically flew across the room then crashed, face first, into the tray of stemware perched on the footstool. The purpose of that scene wasn't to teach us that we shouldn't leave our fine crystal out where anyone could trip over it; it was to show us that Zach really does care about Reese. We know this for certain because Zach yelled out "Reese!" with all the emotion his Neanderthal self could muster.

At the same time, Kendall was across town coming to the realization that she might have pushed Zach too. Ya, think Kendall? Don't get me wrong; I think Kendall has every right to be furious with Zach. That man cheated and betrayed her in every way except to have intercourse outside of his marriage. However, her anger should be directed at Zach, not Reese.

The look Ryan gave Kendall when she shared her epiphany was priceless. I could have sworn I saw steam shooting out of his ears!

Needless to say, Zach is now in full He-Man mode because he has blinded Reese, Ryan is set on destruct because he has lost Greenlee, and Annie is doodling hearts around Aidan's name. I had to giggle when I saw that. Last week Dan mentioned in his Two Scoops column that Aidan hasn't had a relationship that's lasted more than six months. And he's right! Aidan, hottie that he is, is unlucky in love. Unfortunately, it looks like his streak will continue because Annie is still flying over that cuckoo's nest. I, for one, am happy about that. I don't think David is long for the world so we'll need someone to take his place. Annie should so nicely.

Before I sign off I want to mention Opal's spoiler-like vision. Anyone else intrigued? Thanks to Opal we now know that Greenlee is 'cold, alone, and trapped with no way out.' More importantly we learned that David doesn't seem concerned. Oh yeah, I'm definitely getting the mad scientist vibe from David. I can't wait to see how this plays out.

Until next time, dear readers, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.

Liz Masters

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