Chickens, thirsty lizards, and sex tapes

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Chickens, thirsty lizards, and sex tapes
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The first season of All My Children is now in the history books -- and what a finale. The stage is set for an explosive second season, but there are still some unanswered questions: Will Tad and Adam return? Who is Celia's guardian? And when did Dimitri get so horny? Its time to get in the mood for this week's Two Scoops.

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Remember the days when Dimitri Marick was a suave businessman, Hungarian royalty, and owned an expansive estate? Suddenly he's turned into Mr. McFeely, grabbing unsuspecting women and thrusting his tongue upon them like a thirsty lizard.

Don't get me wrong: I have always liked Michael Nader's Dimitri -- nothing against you, Anthony Addabbo! -- but there is something very used car salesman-y about the Dimitri that returned to Pine Valley. He seems desperate for some ladylove, and in the past, it was always Dimitri who had to fend off the ladies.

Great. So far, in two paragraphs of this column, I've offended fans of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, reptiles, and car salespeople.

If you're like me, you suspect that there is another reason for Dimitri's return. He can't just be here to provide the third side of a love triangle. If the writers wanted to come up with a romantic foil for Adam, there are plenty of men from Brooke's past that they could have chosen. I'm not implying anything or judging anyone, but let me count the lays, er, ways. Benny Sago, Dan Kennicott, Mark Dalton, Giles St. Claire, Tad Martin , Jackson Montgomery , Edmund Grey , Pierce Riley, Jim Thomasen, and Eliot Freeman.

Okay so a few of those previous loves are no longer with us, a few are evil and wouldn't make sense to resurrect, and some of the actors are not available. Vasili Bogazianos reprising the role of Benny Sago could have been interesting, since he adopted Billy Clyde's daughter, Emily Ann. Walt Willey was most certainly willing to return to All My Children, and it would have also continued the saga of Brooke picking up Erica' s "leftovers."

So why Dimitri? Certainly having Michael Nader return to AMC after he was seemingly kicked to the curb after some personal struggles made for good PR. And personally, I am really happy to see Michael back on "television" and doing well.

Way back when -- in my May 13 column, The man in the mirror -- I'd proffered up that Dimitri might be Celia's mysterious guardian. Then a few weeks later, in my June 24th Two Scoops column (Sometimes the clothes do not make the man), I changed my mind and said that I thought that Dimitri might not be the best decision for Celia's guardian. Then I went through a period of thinking that Billy Clyde Tuggle was the mysterious guardian.

Honestly, I'm not sure which scenario I like best. I would assume since Celia's guardian will be unmasked in season two that the person is currently on the canvas. There aren't that many characters, and fewer male suspects (Adam, Billy Clyde, David, and Dimitri are the only ones that come to mind) that would make sense. Of course, it is always possible that the writers will use the production hiatus to draw up a completely different plotline with a character who is not on the canvas.

I'm curious how you'd like to see this play out. Which character would provide the most interesting story as Celia's guardian? Drop me an email with your thoughts and reasons, and I will share them in a future Two Scoops column. While you're doing that, you can also weigh in with your thoughts on Dimitri and Brooke as a couple (or anything else you'd like to discuss).

My affinity for Heather is dwindling. Her comment during the pre-sexy times, "Don't worry. This isn't my first time!" was one of the funniest things I've heard in quite some time. However, I don't like that she's chicken-bricking (this is a family column) Miranda. Heather has to know that Miranda is interested in AJ (even though she asked Miranda in the past). If she doesn't, then she's not paying attention and not a good judge of what people are feeling. And if she does know, then she's just cruel and unusual. Either way, she comes off as a jerk -- and I hate that because I like the character's uniqueness.

Of course, this is probably exactly what the writers intended for viewers to feel: emotion. If you don't feel anything when you watch a program, why watch? I've been trying to convert a Pine Valley female into a crazy soap villainess for several weeks now. I think I've finally settled on a choice: Heather! Actress Stevie Steel has already added in a heaping helping of quirkiness into her portrayal of Heather, and as the old saying goes, "Quirkiness is one step from insanity." I'm sure I read that in a fortune cookie somewhere.

I can see Heather sitting in a tattered prom dress, waiting in the parlor of the Chandler Mansion for AJ and Miranda to return home from a date. She'll pull out a crowbar or tire iron or some other bludgeoning device and creepily moan, "Don't worry... this isn't my first time." I've obviously given this way too much thought.

If Cara had given some thought about better keeping Oliver a secret secret rather than a secret that people know, she might not be in the predicament she's in now with JR. I don't like that JR is holding the secret over Cara's head. Considering JR's past, he should know not to play games where there are children involved. Or perhaps that's where he learned how to play these kinds of mind games.

As much of a jerk as JR can be, I don't think he will blab Cara's secret. I do suspect that someone will overhear JR and Cara talking about Oliver... and it will probably be David who does the overhearing.

Meanwhile, I have no idea what JR has planned for Brooke. I'm not sure if he thinks that he can run to Adam and report that Brooke has an interest in Dimitri. If he does, I'd have to think that Adam wouldn't believe a word of what JR was saying -- especially not after the meltdown JR had at the gala. And the shooting at the engagement party. And the secret "sex" tape JR made of Bianca and Marissa. And... well, you get the idea.

Jesse told Angie that he doesn't feel that he could take a job as a professor, but I'd take my old behind back to college to enroll in any course Jesse was teaching. Any rules and regulations class taught by a former Pine Valley police officer/chief would be accompanied by a certain amount of irony. "Okay, class, for today's lesson we're going to discuss how to swap babies and not have to do any jail time." I've got a backpack of sharpened pencils at the ready, so sign me up!

Instead of the collegiate life, Angie talked Jesse into hanging a shingle as a private investigator. For as many private investigators as there have been in Pine Valley, people somehow still manage to get away with an awful lot. But it looks like one of Pine Valley's best-known P.I.s is headed home and I can't wait. I have no idea where Tad has been, but it sure was great to see him.

I don't think that the actor in the chair was really Michael E. Knight, but the voice sure was his! There were some comments on Twitter from fans who don't think Tad will make it back to town. To them I say, "Bite your tongue!" or your Twitter fingers. Bite something because that should not even be put out there in the universe.

There are so many things still left to discuss about the first season of All My Children and what I think Prospect Park needs to do for season two to make the series even more popular. That will be coming up in my next Two Scoops column. I'll also talk a little bit about the One Life to Live hiatus, the ABC lawsuit, and anything else that pops into my head. Until then, please keep sending me your thoughts on season one -- what worked, what didn't, and what you'd like to see in season two. I will be posting those comments in future columns to help us get through the weeks until the new season. You can also use the down time to read some of my past Two Scoops columns. They are all available in the Two Scoops Archive, just click here for the list of columns dating back to 2004.

As always, thank you for taking a little time out of your day to share the AMC love.


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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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