I don't really care what you did this summer

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I don't really care what you did this summer
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The week of July 21, 2008
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What drove poor Colby to the bottle? She was, like, totally bored in her father's private cabin! And now she vaguely remembers a car accident so minor, the sober kids in the vehicle barely noticed when it happened.

Remember a few weeks back when I said I was willing to give the teen storyline a chance? Of course you don't! I mean, why in the name of all that is good and soapy would I make such a ludicrous statement? Um, yeah, I admit it. Just chalk it up one for me in the 'things I never should have said' column. As if the bad teen horror flick rip-off wasn't bad enough, AMC is using it as a vehicle for Colby's alcoholism. As someone who watched Skye, Hayley and JR repeatedly fall off the wagon, I take offense to this sudden, back-handed attempt at a socially conscious storyline.

The easiest sibling parallel to make to Colby's situation is Hayley, whose problems with alcohol started around the same time in her life. Let's take stock of what drove the lovely Ms. Vaughan to drink, shall we? Aside from being born to an alcoholic mother, Hayley also lost her beloved adopted father; found out Adam, a man she hated, was her biological dad; lost the love of her life, Brian Bodine; and married a psychotic rapist who all but poured vodka directly down her throat (who proceeded to attack her and get brutally murdered). What drove poor Colby to the bottle? She was, like, totally bored in her father's private cabin!!! And now she vaguely remembers a car accident so minor, the sober kids in the vehicle barely noticed when it happened.

I'm no forensics expert, but I'm thinking if I hit a grown man in my car, I'm going to do more than say, 'Gee, did I hit something?' And I think there'd be a bit more than blood on the fender. It's a good thing Pine Valley does have a forensics expert on hand-amateur sleuth and all-around creepy teen, Peter Cortlandt. I'm not one to quibble when next-generation AMCers return to the canvas, but really? Petey's first scenes are with Colby and the gang? Things took a turn for the better when Petey interacted with his dad, our beloved Palmer, and a menacing Adam, but let's just say I'm a little hesitant to get my hopes up.

Sadly, my hopes of avoiding a Krystal/Adam reunion have also been dashed. At this point, I wish they'd just get them back together already. I can't stand the sight of Krystal on a normal day, but seeing her play the martyr, pining over the man she clearly wants to play house with Tad out of some distorted sense of obligation - that's way too much to bear. My poor Thaddeus is left to question Krystal's knowledge of his breakfast preferences as a test of devotion? We're a hop, skip and a jump away from 'Whose eggs do you like better, mine or Adam's? TELL ME!!' That's not soapy, it's silly.

Annoyances abound

Unfortunately, Zach is still annoying me with his dismissive, secretive attitude. After returning to the police station with an inquisitive Jesse, Slater was a little too cavalier towards his understandably panicked wife. I think most wives whose husbands have been wrongly accused of murder in the past would be a little jumpy when the police chief takes their hubby away in handcuffs. Also, if you ask your wife to trust you, you have to trust her, too. Kendall told Zach (and everyone else who'd listen) she believed he didn't kill Richie, yet he still accused her otherwise. Plus, after he all but laughed off Kendall's concerns about Annie, he secretly met with her. You could argue he's protecting his wife, which would be admirable if not for his insistence on honesty and openness in their marriage. Why can't these two just tell each other everything? And why is Zach's behavior excusable while Kendall's painted as a paranoid busybody? It makes my Zendall-lovin' heart ache.

I saw glimpses of the Zach I love this week - unfortunately, they had very little to do with Kendall. His scenes with Annie were good; he let her do her song and dance, called her on her bull and gently but forcibly demanded the truth. Unfortunately, a very pregnant Annie fainted, thanks to the Ryan's next golden child. Those Laverys - always messing things up.

If Annie's actions weren't completely pathetic, I'd probably find them entertaining. The character is certainly most interesting than the milquetoast perfect wife and mother she used to be. I found myself snickering at her sly little grin when Jake asked if she could be pregnant. The problem for me is understanding why an otherwise intelligent woman would go to that much trouble to keep Ryan Lavery. I can't wait until Annie finally finds out about her Prince Charming's most recent revelation.

The many loves of Lavery

That's right - if any of you out there are still keeping track, Ryan is now head-over-heels in love with Greenlee Smythe. Honestly, ABC could make a mint selling Lavery Love Life scorecards. Let's backtrack, shall we? In the last four years, Ryan has been in madly, deeply, passionately in love with Kendall, Greenlee, Kendall again, Annie and Kendall once again. Now, we're back to good old Greenlee. That adds up to a new love of his life every eight months. If anything, you have to admire the man's stamina.

Am I supposed to feel badly for this man? Am I supposed to be happy that Kendall is once again playing matchmaker for the man who broke her heart more times than I can count and the woman who stole him away? Am I supposed to think it's wonderful and joyous that Spike's kidnapper may soon become his stepmother? Why is this supposed to be a touching love story? WHY?!?

It boggles the mind that AMC continues to write one of its primary male protagonists as such a fickle moron. Of course, my hate for all things Lavery taints my evaluation of the character - but let's ignore for a moment that Ryan could do everything short of walk on water and still be a jerk to me. Putting myself in the shoes of an average viewer, why should I invest any time in a Ryan Lavery love story if history's told me he'll change his mind six months down the road? This type of flip-flopping doesn't make Ryan a hopeless romantic - it just makes him hopeless.

Speaking of hopeless, did anything interesting happen with Frankie Hubbard and his Not-So-Happy-Hooker this week? I remember them coming on the screen a couple of times, but after a few minutes, everything went black. I must have passed out from the sheer boredom of it all. I care about Frankie, but I'm at a loss as to why I'm supposed to care about his annoying new love interest. Or why Frankie would pay her any attention in the first place. Or why she wouldn't jump at the chance to ditch her abusive pimp and take up with the good doctor. At least I've found a new cure for insomnia. The only good thing that's come out of this storyline is seeing Angie and Jesse discuss the matter (and interrupt those convos with a little afternoon delight - "My wife's a freak!" Priceless.)

Parting shot

Oh, one last thing - Erica's getting out of prison to play out her already tired triangle with Samuel and Jackson. At least we'll probably get some fun Carmen/Erica/Adam scenes in the near future. Well, she's getting out as soon as that mountain of a woman holding a knife to her throat is taken care of. I know I should be worried, but I'm not.

Thanks for reading. See you again soon.

-- Kristine

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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