Move fast and break things: The lying, the bitch, and the whore probe

For the Week of June 10, 2013
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Move fast and break things
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Soap operas and fairytales may share some commonalities, but for the residents of Pine Valley, rarely does a happily-ever-after last for long. In this chapter of our Two Scoops story, there's someone who's lying, a witch, and a whore probe -- but you'll have to decide who's who.

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It pains me that Jesse has buckled to Uri's demands. Actually, scratch that. There are so many different emotions that I feel regarding this. I am going to try to express them all in an organized, rational fashion -- otherwise I might haul off and slap Jesse to knock him back to his senses. Then, I'd end up in a jail cell and have to beg readers for PayPal bail donations to spring me in time for the Emmys. Or I could stage an Erica Kane-style prison break, which could make for some high-tension moments on the Red Carpet.

Jesse wants Cassandra back. We all know that -- and we all want that, too. As a parent, Jesse will do whatever it takes to bring Cassandra home. I just don't know that skirting the law is the best course of action. What's to stop Uri from playing Jesse like a fiddle? Once he sees that Jesse will do whatever he asks, Uri will know that he can keep playing that cat and mouse game. Next thing you know, Uri ups the ante, Jesse continues to do what he's told -- and Cassandra is already sold to someone in a foreign land... or dead. I mean, can you really take a Russian mobster-slash-human-trafficker at their word? I'm inclined to say nyet .

This isn't the first time that Chief of Police Hubbard has been on a morally questionable side of the law, and that troubles me as well. I suppose that it makes for good drama (and sadly, we all have heard real-life stories of shady cops), but I don't want the Pine Valley Police Department to become a comic brigade. Towards the end of AMC's run on network television, I received a lot of mail from people who said that they were turned off by the ridiculousness of a police chief being involved in criminal activity and getting away with it. In fairness, I heard the same thing about David Hayward continually getting off scot-free with his evil doings.

But back to the matter at hand, there is also a big part of me that is rooting for Jesse. I admire his determination, and I'm hoping that Jesse is the one that's doing the mind-screwing. Maybe somehow, Jesse is trying to buy a little time for his men and women in uniform to track down Cassandra -- and then he'll have the pleasure of beating the crap out of Uri.

One of the most touching moments of the week was seeing the message that Cassandra had carved into the wall of the room where she'd been held. That was pretty powerful stuff. It was loving and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Of course, the reporter in me wondered if Sal Stowers (Cassandra Foster) actually was the one who carved the message or if they had a member of the crew do it. Gosh, if it were a crew member, I would sure hope that wasn't what allegedly pushed All My Children over budget and halted production.

There is something that annoyed my ever-so-slightly about the storyline. There is a huge contrast in the way the outdoor scenes and the in-the-studio scenes look. It's that way on all of the soaps, and always has been. But I've noticed that most primetime shows and movies have found ways to compensate for the visual differences so that everything looks like it was filmed at the same way. Maybe it's too expensive or not possible with the type of equipment that is available to soaps. It's not going to stop me from watching, but it's something that crossed my mind, and I felt like sharing.

We've only just been reintroduced to Colby Chandler, but I already don't like her. She's self-absorbed... she's flighty... and she's quite bitchy. I knew that girl was trouble from the minute she gave Brooke double-cheeked smooches. She's a typical soap opera bad girl -- so maybe I just love to hate her.

I am sure that if I look back at some of my long-ago, far away Two Scoops columns from around 2011, I said something like, "Colby should seemingly be more like a Paris Hilton character." So, yeah... that makes me a hypocrite. Of course, in February 2011, I also said, "There's something about Colby that annoys me. I can't put my finger on it. I feel the same way about Chilly Willy, the cartoon penguin."

Colby has always been a character of changing personality. It seemed to depend on who helmed the writing team. At one point, she was the voice of reason. Then she became the party girl who was responsible for a yacht crash. Then she went back to being daddy's little girl, yet the only sane-thinking member of the Chandler family. A lot of that had to do with a revolving door recast that saw three actresses playing Colby in the span of two years.

Now, we have Brooke Newton playing a ditzier, socialite version of Colby, who seems allergic to the very notion of work. Did you notice that Colby had barely said hello before she started asking for "20 large" from anyone within a five-mile radius? She's yet to say why she needs the money, but she seems pretty pressed about it. I get the feeling that this is more than just needing to pay off a credit card bill. I admit to being more than a little curious, and it makes Colby much more interesting.

You may recall that I've said the same thing about Celia and her mystery ghost. Now, two characters that I'm not particularly fond of have collided. I couldn't decide which was the greater evil: Witchy Colby intruding upon Pete and Celia's discussion with the sole intention of creating trouble, or my feeling somewhat overjoyed that Colby might have chased Celia away from Pete for good. (It also gave me the opportunity to chuckle at one of my own puns: Celia later!) If Celia goes back to trying to figure out why she sees dead people (or creepy alive people) and Colby tracks down Billy Clyde Tuggle to ask for a loan, all will again be right in Pine Valley.

No, no, no -- before anyone starts sending letters to accuse me of supporting prostitution, I'm only talking about fictional prostitution. Make-believe harlotry. Fairytale hooking. There are no happy endings in sight (not like that) for anyone in Pine Valley at the moment, but that can certainly change when the next chapter of our story begins. So be sure to tune in next week for another installment of Two Scoops, and thank you for reading and spending a little cybertime with me. If you'd like to share your thoughts on the column, All My Children, or anything else, please send me feedback or post your comments below.


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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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