Shh! I am writing this column from a secret room in my house so that the cops don't find me. Well, as it turns out... the cops are actually involved in my flight from justice.
I am torn by what would have made for the better cliffhanger episode on Monday, which keep in mind would have been the Friday cliffhanger had we not been preempted a few weeks back for the Michael Jackson memorial service. The show ended with Erica asking to see her daughter... and then Kendall was revealed to be in some unknown location that was definitely not jail. The next day, however, when the show did their mini-recap thing at the top of the hour, we saw that a Kendall doppelganger was actually the one in solitary confinement.
I am thinking that having the Kendall twin revealed at the end of the episode rather than showing that Kendall was elsewhere might have been a better cliffhanger. Fans would have been screaming, "Who is that woman?!" Then again, the clone looked so much like Kendall that many viewers might not have realized that it wasn't Kendall.
Okay, you know that I don't let the show get away with anything, so as much as I liked the dramatic plot twist let's go back to keeping it real. Since when do prison guards hand-deliver notes to convicts in solitary confinement? More importantly, why is the chief of police chloroforming a prisoner to allow her casino-owning hubby to plant a double in her place? And Kendall gives me the third question, "What kind of a person volunteers to go to prison for 15 years to life?" Apparently, one that wants to get paid $100,000 a month for every month served in jail.
Kendall, however, does not appear to be the sharpest tool in the shed. She just cannot follow through on a plan. She screwed up her courthouse break out, she confessed to a crime that she didn't commit just because she wanted to, and now she's leaving the safety of her soundproof hideaway to what... hammer someone? More than that, while Kendall was locked away in her room, Zach... went somewhere and left the kids unattended. So he decided to call Jesse to go check on the boys? Who does this? Oh, I don't understand. I don't understand!
The reason you do not leave children unattended became crystal clear for Amanda. Who decided that it was a great idea to drop an infant off in an abandoned alley? I don't care if the alley is next to a church or not. B-a-d I-d-e-a.
Call me a broken record, but there was a scene last week that again proved my comments on how valuable AMC's veteran performers really are. A week removed from a stellar performance by Jennifer Bassey, Jill Larson had a great scene with Denise Vasi. In the scene, Opal sat down next to Randi -- two characters that I don't ever recall sharing a scene together -- and Opal offered comfort to Randi over the loss of her baby. Opal said that she knew what it was like to lose a child, though she admitted that Jenny was grown when "God took her home." Sure, viewers knew the story, but Randi didn't. This is the type of discussion that really would happen in real life. It was wonderfully constructed and provided a tender moment.
David sure didn't take long to give Marissa a lecture about dating JR Chandler. It was just moments after he told her how much she'd scared him by almost dying. I'd actually place the blame for that on Marian since she's the one that pulled the trigger, but I digress. It looked like there would be a classic love triangle involving the naïve young woman, the squeaky clean guy, and the bad guy. However, Scott then turned to the "Prince of Darkness," David Hayward, to get some tips on how to be a little more greasy, thereby silencing the squeak, I suppose. I liked the bar chat between Scott and David, but am I wrong in thinking that David's evilness can't be taught?
Meanwhile, ABC is planning a primetime sitcom spinoff of All My Children once it moves to Los Angeles. The show will be called Everybody Loves Annie, and revolve around the many men who are enraptured by Crazy Annie Lavery. Okay, maybe not, but at times Annie is giving me a soft porn vibe. "Oooohhh. It is sooo hot in here. Purrrrr." All that was missing was a car wash scene and a hose.
Speaking of hoses, how cute is it that Adam is having "performance issues." The billionaire (I am assuming that he has somewhat regained his wealth since he hasn't cried poor in months) corporate tyrant can assemble and disassemble business, but he is experiencing health issues that many older men do. It must be very hard for him. Um, well...
The Who Killed Stuart Chandler? saga got a little more interesting. So many of you have written in to say that the storyline has dragged on for too long. I agree because the storyline is no longer about Stuart and it hasn't been for weeks. The storyline is all about Kendall and Annie, and I think that's a bit of a disservice to Stuart's memory. But let's get back on track. Emma and Annie's cryptic phone call finally confirmed that Emma lied about what she saw the night that Stuart was killed. We all suspected that she was either not telling the whole truth or any of it, but there was never any proof. Now, Annie has warned Emma that if she ever does tell the truth, they will never be able to see each other again.
That would seemingly narrow the suspects down to two... Annie and Emma. Somehow, I feel that there's another suspect lurking in the shadows. There has been speculation that perhaps Adam shot and killed his brother in some sort of drug-induced madness. If so, he could go to jail or maybe a mental institution. How would that prevent Annie from seeing Emma? Maybe Annie would be sent to jail for obstruction of justice, but she wouldn't be in the pokey forever. Hmm... is there an angle that I am missing?
Pine Valley has more weird romances than anywhere else on earth. Ryan and Erica had sexy thoughts of each other based on a pair of movies. As I predicted last week, David and Liza shared a smooch. Then there's skinny-dipping Scott flirting with Annie. I'm not sure which of the three couplings I like the most... or the least. David and Liza are both smarmy individuals, and deserve each other. They may have explosive chemistry. I was, however, amused by Erica getting a case of the vapors as she watched Ryan do his pull-ups.
There were two lines that tickled me last week. The first was Francesca the casino manager's reaction to Liza revealing that she is a lawyer. "I wasn't aware of that. I thought you were a... never mind." Also, I loved JR's dig at Annie about how she's "hooking up with all the Chandlers. Who's next? Colby?" Later, when Scott entered the room, JR chirped, "Oh, perfect! Now we can have a threesome!" Jacob Young is at his best when he's being a smartass. The dialogue, though perhaps not your mother's All My Children, was "contemporary" and realistic... and very funny.
Bzzt! Bzzt! Uh oh. The red light on my wall is flashing and buzzing. No, no one is at the front door. It means that I've reached the end of my column and I have to leave you now. I also have to go study some scripts. If you didn't hear the news on my Internet radio show last week, in the event that Susan Lucci doesn't relocate to Los Angeles, Brian Frons has asked me if I'd like to take over the role of Erica Kane, but he's only given me a week to decide! Okay, I jest, but the jokes are only an attempt to distract me from the idea of a Lucci-less All My Children.