Why does it always take some sort of medical malady to figure out a kid's paternity? I suppose the only other alternative is to have a Pine Valley version of Maury Povich's show. I'm sure his DNA tests are far more reliable than the ones from the Pine Valley labs anyway. It occurred to me while writing this column that soap operas might be the only place where men run around wanting to be the father of their one-night stand's kid.
I'm pleased that Jake is the father of little Trevor, but... something just doesn't add up. When Amanda was pregnant, wasn't Jake conclusively ruled out as the father? We all did the math in our heads and determined that Jake and Amanda did the do too far back for Jake to have been the daddy. So that left just David and JR as possible candidates.
I need to insert a Public Service Announcement into this column. I told myself that I wouldn't, but... well, apparently I lied. Who runs around having unprotected sex with three different men in the course of, let's say, a month? Amanda ought to be happy that all she got was pregnant. I don't expect AMC to belabor the realities of everyday life, but there are such things as sexually transmitted diseases out there. Okay, lecture over.
Meanwhile, Adam is undergoing surgery because he needs a pacemaker. Adam has had issues with his heart for quite a while, so this doesn't come as much of a surprise. But is this plot device foreshadowing something... bigger? Is Adam going to die?
By now, I am sure that many of you have read Internet rumors claiming that David Canary is leaving All My Children. His decision to leave, the rumors say, is the reason that Stuart was killed off last year. There is a lot of other accompanying gossip that I don't think is appropriate to comment on, so I'll focus solely on the storyline. Let's just say that David Canary wants to leave All My Children -- or at least take a break from the show. Admittedly, I'm a huge fan of David's work. I try to be impartial, but I think that he's just an incredible performer. So if he left the show, I'd be very upset.
However, I have devised a storyline that would at least appease me. In order to make it work, All My Children would need to bring back Hayley and Skye. I'd really prefer to see Kelly Ripa and Robin Christopher reprise their respective roles, but if they can't -- recast! I'd like to see Adam fake his death and then have his loved ones forced to go along with crazy requests in order to get his inheritance. Maybe Hayley has to finally make peace with her mother. Arlene was alive the last time I checked. It would be a hoot to have Olivia Birkelund back in town causing trouble. I have no idea what craziness Skye would have to endure to get her inheritance.
Now brace yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. This week you're getting three medical miracles for the price of one. Elsewhere, Greenlee is back in true Greenlee form. She's been alive now for only about a week-and-a-half, but she's already giving David the third degree. It's amazing that this woman has been in a coma for almost a year and she's already figured out all of David's secrets. The people in Pine Valley have been awake, alert, and upright -- and they haven't had a clue about David's shenanigans until recently. Shenanigans might not be the right word, but I'm not sure there is an appropriate term for faking your death and lying about being the father of someone's kid.
I really hope that Greenlee and David don't end up as lovers. Thankfully, Lorraine Broderick is serving as an interim head writer for All My Children, so I don't think that that will happen. If Charles Pratt were still around, though... well, you know. Greenlee and David have a very unusual relationship. They've managed to stay close even after Leo's death. That doesn't really happen that often in the soap world. And when's the last time you saw two characters playing gin rummy?
I don't understand why Damon is still in Pine Valley. He's beating up valets and painting Tad Martin's house with someone with a horribly fake French accent. I often complain that new characters are introduced into story too fast, when viewers don't care about them. So maybe I need to listen to my own advice and allow the writers to have a slow build for Damon. Between you and me, though, I'd much rather dislike the character -- it's much more fun.
So let's just say -- y'know, hypothetically -- that someone makes you think that you murdered a guy who was trying to rape you. Then, they blackmail you and threaten to destroy your whole family. What on earth do you do? You get them a job working with you, duh! I get that Madison and Randi are being joined at the vocational hip for story purposes, but c'mon.
I think I liked Madison more when she was the crazy woman after a married man. It was almost like that movie with Beyoncé... what was it called?... Obsessed. The hapless victim Madison isn't as interesting.
I am also very excited to once again see Jill Larson in the opening credits. I've always enjoyed her work as Opal -- and I think Opal is at her best when she has something meaningful and purposeful to do. Opal being uncomfortable about Kevin Sheffield's homosexuality, for example. Another good example was when we learned that Opal had a biracial son. That being said, I also do enjoy the comedic touch that Larson brings to the show. The Cluck Cluck Chicken Shack, the Glamorama... oh, good times. But (you knew there'd be one!) the show needs to be careful not to overdo this tarot card and tea leaves stuff. It is funny, but Opal becomes a children's book character when she runs around town warning that the end of the world is near.
However, I could use Opal right now to warn you that the end of my column is near. In fact, it's here!
I'll see you next week -- and be sure to check me out on Soap Central Live, my new Internet radio show every Friday at 6PM Eastern/3PM Pacific. For more information, click here.