Melissa Archer I've got sunshine...
by EY Jackson For the Week of January 28, 2008

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So I'm looking over my last few columns and I'm thinking to myself, "Y'know EJ, your writing's gotten a little . . . boring . . . lately." Snoozefest boring, like those blubber's quarrel scenes with John and Natalie that drag on for eons. And I'm thinking that I've gotta do something about this, pronto. Time for a little trip I like to call "back to the roots". Back to what used to make me fall off my own chair laughing my not-so-little sarcastic butt off. C'mon, sing it with me: "I am back now/I am back now/It's my birthday/Killed the nice me . . ."

Kilt It Day-Ud!

Speaking of nice killings, I loved the Psycho-esque ending to Spencer Truman's monkey-in-a-tree mental acrobatics! The pig-in-a-blanket thing with the lawyer was pretty sweet, too, and didn't he just deserve it? So, okay, your client is being shipped off to Wing-Dingbat-Dale - which is actually one of the more secure soap asylums, all things considered - and he wants you to get him . . . a wedding gown and some sleepy-time drugs? And we're okay with this??? You were thinking the dress was for whom? Ok, don't answer that. Oh wait, you can't. You're dead. So, yea, okay, silly wabbit got what he deserved. (Who knew Spencie could crack a neck so well? Sheesh! Think ya know a person . . . )

I could hear the eh-eh-eh sound of the Psycho theme when Mr. Scissors met Mr. Back on the hospital bed and just about fell off my seat laughing - although I have to admit that the blood-spattered white wedding dress was just disturbing enough to halt the giggles for about a half-second. Poor Blair ended up looking like a raw French fry, all pre-ketchuped with nowhere to go. Spencer was as loopy as they get - but if someone kidnaps the body and cryogenically freezes it a-la Cassadine-on-ice, I'll be looking for a Spewie redux in about three years or so.

My Girl (((my girl . . . my girl . . . mygirl!)

Evangeline. FINALLY! Somebody took off the kid gloves and bopped her upside the head. "Stop acting like a girlfriend and start acting like a lawyer." YES! Thank you, Todd! You're the most diabolically unmedicated basket-o'crazy I've ever known, but you hit it right on the head. I was hoping somebody would knock her out of her reverie, if only for a moment. I mean, as a prosecuting attorney, there's a really good chance that if the real pyromaniac isn't caught, she'll be on opposite sides of the law against Cris BoyToy. So now, while she has the chance, she needs to start lawyerin' him up for (yet another) fight for his freedom. Gosh, I wish he were the arsonist! (Don't you?!) He'd be so much more interesting. "Yeah, it was me. I was pissed at Vince and since he didn't do any time, I decided to make him pay. My way." Finally, someplace for all that misplaced machismo to go.

Oh, you know who would probably be a good match for him? I mean, besides Ritalin Minnie. Talia, the new cop -- who might actually add a little life to Adriana, come to think of it. Remember that scene with Adee-dee and the waitress at Carlotta's diner when the unknown redhead got bonked instead of Natalie? First time - and last, really - that Adriana actually held chemistry with anyone. It could work. Imagine Dorian's reaction to an Adriana, "Mama I'm Strange" moment.


I'm really tired of the John-and-Natalie Show. However, as bonkheaded as John's being right now, I'm kinda liking the chemistry between him and Marty. I don't think this would have existed with Susan Haskell's Marty. Not believable enough, really, and although Susan's a cutie, she and Michael Easton don't really mesh well in my twisted little mind here. However, Christina Chambers and Michael Easton seem to have quite a bit of chemistry going on. Could this be the beginning of JoMart? Hmm . . . Admittedly, I like them as friends, so far. And, I think that even if they remain friends-only, it would be fun to watch Cole interact with John a bit. I think John and Cole would be good for one another, and goodness knows that boy could use a little Guy Time, right?

Ooh, you know what would be fun? To watch John, Vincent, and Cole all working out together! Wouldn't that be a riot?! Oh, that would send Natalie into Angry Redhead mode faster than a chocolate chip cookie disappears in the hands of a two-year-old. Or me. Man, she'd hit zero-to-bee-otch in about 2.3 seconds! I can just see her wailing on Marty - and Marty tellin' her to sit down and shut up like somebody should've told her before she went knock-knock-knockin' on Marty's door. What is wrong with her? While Nat was schemin' and scammin' and trying to wrestle the Buchanan fortune away from twin Tessica, Marty was kickin' butt and takin' names as a single mom/psycho expert fielding consultation requests from halfway round the globe! Natalie is so far out of her league that I almost feel sorry for her. But then, she's got Vince . . . at least as a friend, anyway. I won't feel too sorry for her when John sends her packing and makes Marty his new best friend. I'm sure Vince'll help her get over it, being the sweet little suave-o-babe that he is.

The Votes Are In

And the winners are . . .

Nash and Tessica! Layla never had a chance in this poll - no votes for her and Nash at all. Best comments come from Rachel and Andrea, respectively:

"I really want to see how Nash and Tessica come together. I think the actors have really great chemistry and Nash seems like he could come to love the new Tessica w/o confusing her with Tess (unlike Antonio who seems to willfully ignore the Tess in Tessica)."

I agree totally, Rachel. It's as if Tonio thinks that if he just ignores the Tess in Tessica, she'll just cease to exist. I guess the concept of integration, like so many other obvious concepts, is completely lost on Detective Dunderhead - although, that's not so surprising, considering he never really took the test to become a detective. Bo was just in a pinch and the local crossing guard was unavailable.

Andrea on Nash and Layla: "My answer is NO WAY. I like Layla (more than most of the women on this show) and I hope she gets a storyline, but Nash & Jessica are it for me. Forbes March and Bree Williamson have the hottest chemistry I have ever seen. Whoo-boy! *fans self*"

Need I say more? Nash and Tessica in 2007!

Only one vote in the Viki/Clint/Dorian triangle, and that was from our good friend Beatrice, who wrote: "I want Clint to choose Viki, but he'll probably choose Dorian." Good point, Beatrice, but it is fun watching him trying to keep both women smiling, isn't it? The way he waited til Viki went to get ready to leave before sliding on over to say hi'n'bye to Dorian. I'm liking this kind of budding/kindling of friendship between Dorian and Lindsay. Lindsay's been too good for too long. She'll be grieving over Jen forever, but that doesn't mean that the Lindsay we all know and love can't start marking up some territory around Llanview. Her post-breakup comeback should be fun and fabulous come Springtime!

On the Bo/Paige question, the funniest comment I received came from Elaine, who writes: "What does Bo see in a Paige? A paycheck. He gets paid a nice salary to act like a couple. I see no 'couple's' chemistry between, just competent acting." Elaine's comment also wins for Most Original Answer in the poll, overall. Thanks, Elaine! A paycheck! LOL I love it!

Most people agree that Rex should've told Todd the truth. That's nearly a moot point now, but I'm inclined to agree, too. Of all people to make a call about fit vs. unfit parental-types, Rex isn't exactly the expert I'd want making this call. Ok, he knows what a good parent doesn't do - thanks to Roxy - but even good parents make big mistakes.

Well, okay, I have to admit, trying to sell your kid just because you thought he wasn't your kid does sort of put Todd firmly in the not-fit category. But hey, that was a long time ago! He was a jerk before (yesterday), but he can change! Any minute now and he'll be singing "I Can Change", just like in the South Park movie! Just watch!

From the Mailbag

Some comments are just too wicked to keep all to myself. My conscious won't let me get away with not sharing them.

From Norfortiria G, on Crange: "Crange . . . [they] have to be dissimilated immediately." Dissimilated, dismantled . . . just dis- everything, I wholeheartedly agree!

From Beatrice, on our recent Awards column: "Anyhoo, worst couple IMO should go to [TIE] - Jolie, Crave and Rexianna. The first two couples remind me too much of a parent/child union, and the last one is a travesty for the mere fact that Adriana de-balled Rex! LOL. 'Nuff said on that . . ." Where can I go from there, Beatrice? LOL Your comments speak for themselves. Speaking of Rex, Beatrice also writes, "Lastly, if I were Rex, HELL NO I would not keep the secret about Tommy from Todd. LOL I don't want to die, man! Not yet anyway..." You said it, Sister! Spill the beans or let Todd spill you; either way, I don't want it to be me!

Lest anyone think that there are no Cris/Evangeline fans out there, I want to share a comment from Deidra, who clearly enjoys them. She writes: "Cristian and Evangeline were excellent on Jan 08 2007. I so enjoyed their scenes. I loved that Evangeline wanted to give Cristian a gift that had to do with his future career. And Cristian reacted like any man would who wants to provide in a relationship. They both had valid points. One of the most realistic arguments I have seen on OLTL."

Shhh . . .

Ahh . . . okay. Let's move forward.

Ok, I have to say it. I agreed with Deidra, all the way up til the "Cristain reacted" line. The scene was good, but I thought Cris acted like a dork. I am glad, though, that C/E has fans out there.

Stephanie, on Todd and Blair: "Love Todd also and he and Blair should just get back together and stay together. Enough of the break up/reunite stuff." Enough, indeed - you said it, Stephanie!

This one isn't wicked, but I enjoyed it lots. It's from Ruby D, in answer to the Rex question: "I don't think Rex is doing the right thing by withholding the baby's info from Todd regardless what his opinion is of Todd. [Rex] says he looks up to Bo, but he did not take the opportunity to ask [Bo's] opinion. Not that Bo would condone his decision, but this is going to come back to BITE Rex in big way and might even result in a real fall out with Bo, as it seems Rex does not learn from his mistakes (just like Todd). Regardless if Todd is a fit father or not that's not [Rex's] decision to make. He was paid to do a job, and whatever the results that's what he is committed to the employer for. (Anyway I am sick of both him and Adriana.)" LOL Me, too, Ruby!

Big hellos and Welcome Aboards to Brenda, Judy, Marcy, Mya, and Pat. And to Nero, who reminded me of "The Prodigal Hunk", none other than David Vickers. Yep, he got left out of my Manview column, but you're right, Nero, David is definitely "the one that got away". I do miss him much, and oh, how I wish Tuc could be back on permanently! And thanks for sending along your email addresses; I really enjoyed being able to greet each of you personally and thank you for your comments!

Finally, tell me, how's this for a best friend: My best friend Aimee doesn't watch One Life; she works during the day and doesn't get SoapNet at home. And so, she has no idea of who any of the characters are. Yet she still reads this column and emails me through the Soap Central website every time the column goes live. I don't even have to send her the link anymore - she's got it in her Favorites folder! Ok, now that's a best friend! *WaveWave* Gotta love her!

Well, that's it for this week, my friends! Here's hoping that 2007 is off to a great start for each of you, and that you are each surrounded by love and peace and joy!

Happy Soaping!!!
EY Jackson

EY Jackson
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